The New Parenting Club

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HEAL YOUR FAMILY AND NURTURE YOUR CHILDREN

In the mid-1980s, while living in New York City, I was introduced to a body of clinical studies that explored the science of early childhood development in new and entirely novel ways. Much of the most exciting and at times astonishing work in this area was written on by a man named Joseph Chilton Pearce, author of the famous book The Crack in the Cosmic Egg and, later, of two best-sellers on developmental psychology: Magical Child and Magical Child Matures

Gradually, Pearce’s studies began to have a noticeable effect on my own clinical technique as a humanistic psychologist and family counselor. I now started giving guidance to patients based largely on his research and on certain ideas formulated by his colleagues. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but the bread I cast on the waters soon returned in the form of clear evidence that my patients were parenting more effectively and nurturing their children better and that even the most deeply damaged family relationships were capable of being healed.

It was all very new and very heady work.
First and foremost in healing your family is to identify exactly where the core problems lie. You can see the problems or effects but not the ‘triggers’ setting off or causing the problems. What I mean by ‘triggers’ are knee-jerk reactions that occur as a result of a repressed or buried wound from the past being emotionally poked or ‘triggered’. Whether this ‘poke’ in the present is from a real or imagined slight, they set off or ‘trigger’ a reaction.

These have to do with earlier experiences when you were shamed.  Shame is the wrapping of all our early wounds.  At the time it occured you may have been five or seven years old and unable to express the humiliation and anger that you felt. So you ‘repressed’ it. That is, you put it inside a capsule, wrapped it in a ball of cotton and pushed it deep down inside in order not to feel the pain. What happens with this buried pain? Whenever that ‘spot’ that wound is touched you react. Or, more than likely, overreact to whatever is taking place. The actual content of what is going on has little to do with your reaction. It is a re-enactment. It is a reaction to the original wound being poked by an action from another person that is similar to the action which gave you the wound in the first place.

By becoming conscious of this process, it will feel freeing,  like you are being released for recess. But awareness or recognition is in the mind, the intellect. The core of the reacting is in the feelings, in the body. For any change or healing to take place, more work is needed. It is necessary to actually SEE this happening in the moment that it is happening. Then you will have what  in psychology we call, an ‘a-ha’ experience. Then, and only then your seeing and feeling are one. This is a mind-body experience. This though, is still not enough. You must ‘see’ yourself go through this repeatedly, perhaps four or five times. Then you will begin to actually take ownership of what you see. Once you truly own it, (“Wow, this is true, I do, do this.”) then, and only then may you choose to risk another behavior. This behavior is of an entirely different kind. It is no longer automatic. It is a consciously chosen behavior.

Any change you want to see in your child, must first take place in yourself. It can only be learned by a child through modeling not talk. Work on yourself.

Blog Post Wednesday 6/17/09 by Jeffrey L. Fine, Ph.D. co-author with Dalit Fine, MS. of: “The Art of Conscious Parenting” November 2009

The Socialization of Children
Born an Original, Died a Copy

“What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.” – Sigmund Freund

According to the dictionary…To socialize is to arouse to an interest in humanity. This is the positive aspect of the word. On the other hand there is also a negative definition for socialization: To convert or adapt for social uses or needs. To be put under group control, to be conditioned, regulated for societal or governmental service. I fear that this is what we have become acculturated to in our post modern techno culture today. This is not what I want for my children. The definition I prefer is: To take part in social activities. Activities which enlighten, educate in a natural organic way. That gives pleasure and a sense of self worth.

Play with others is a primary way to socialize and grow. Children know how to do this very well. Unfortunately this is not given much time in school.
Is socialization best served for children by being stuck with 30 same age people for 6 hours a day 5 days a week? Would it be true to say that homeschooled children have more opportunities to socialize with people outside of their own peer group, and therefore, with more experience, make friends more easily? It is certainly true for my son who is ten and can quickly interact easily with adults and kids of any age.

While it is true that those children who are compelled to be in the same place with the same children and experience having to deal with those who may not be friendly and often are bullies, do develop strategies to survive. However, these may not be the best strategies for ‘real life’ as it is lived among adults. Might a homeschooled child who was raised with and around his parents and experienced how they ‘pick and choose’ who they associate with and why, learn how to discern among people.

Making distinctions is a primary skill for all of us. How artificial to be controlled and silenced for most of a schooled child’s day. Denied the simple freedoms that we adults take for granted. Children learn by asking questions, not by answering them.

Blog Post: Sunday June 14, 2009 by Jeffrey L. Fine, Ph.D. co-author with Dalit Fine, MS of: “The Art of Conscious Parenting” Release-November, 2009

The Stop Exercise
The STOP exercise is one of the most important consciousness techniques to allow you to control runaway emotions. The way it works is very simple. But like most things that are simple it is not necessarily easy. The most difficult aspect of the STOP exercise is to remember to do it. It can be considered a moving meditation.
That is, a way of entering a more centered or conscious state in the exact moment you need it and at will. This changes brain vibrations and lowers them from alpha to beta or even delta. Delta will take practice in ‘STOPPING.’ Delta has been compared to sitting on the bottom of the sea. All quiet. But just stopping will give you an instant of choice. Choice is freedom. If I have to do this or I have to do that I am not free. Choice usually, in our ordinary state is not possible at all. We are so conditioned and habituated in our thinking and feeling parts that we act as the automaton we have been conditioned to be. This is why so often we do exactly what our parents, teachers, media and culture have modeled for us in spite of our decisions not to do to our children what was done to us.
But when you STOP. … This is a momentary altered state. In this split second you have a choice. Do I yell at my child because of the frustration I am feeling? Or, can I choose another more useful response?
The best moment, the only moment I can STOP is when a bell goes off to remind me. Re-mind me. So use your child’s behavior as an alarm clock. What time is it? I know. Time to STOP. Then and only in this momentary other state can I choose another response. A more useful and effective response.
After all is said and done, what I want is to parent my child in a way which will create the most desirable outcome in the moment, for peace in our home and, for his life.
Practice of the STOP exercise will strengthen your ability to enter a moment of consciousness at will. It only lasts a few seconds but this is the nature of consciousness. It is only a moment followed by a long stretch of unconscious moments until we awaken again and experience a possibility of being in a moment of choice. Repeat the STOP as often as you can. Use your moments of automatic anger and frustration to let yourself know what time it is. Time to STOP.
Blog Post June 6, 2009 by Jeffrey Fine, Ph.D. Co-author with Dalit Fine, MS.
Of the soon to be released book: – The Art of Conscious Parenting –Nov. 2009

From “The Parents Tao Te Ching”
Fan the Spark
Your children plan their own education,
like it or not.
You must learn to cooperate with that plan.
If they are drawing,
they become artists.
If they are reading,
they become students.
If they are investigating something,
they become scientists.
If they are helping prepare a meal,
they become chefs.
Whatever they are doing,
they are learning.
And it is, for them,
pure joy.
Can you refrain from judging their interests?
Can you give them room to explore?
Schools do not often do this.
You may be the only one
who can fan the spark of their creativity
into a flame of joy.
By William Martin “The Parent’s Tao Te Ching” A book I highly recommend.
Packed with poetry and wisdom. He also offers a “Journey through Spiritual Parenting” at: www.thestillpoint.com

TODAY I AM SHARING A POEM
Whole Education without Getting Schooled
by Eli Gerzon
Whole education without getting schooled
without getting fooled
without getting your mind ruled
turned into a tool
made to work like a mule
no, I ain’t that kinda fool
“Whole” with the same etymology as “holy” and “health”
It’s all about true spiritual wealth
As you reach a knowledge-of-self
You live life as you want, not as you’re dealt
“Whole” as in anything learned today will apply tomorrow
I suggest you forget all that sorrow:
“Must study history! Must study chemistry!
Must study a math text to learn how to get stressed!”
‘Cause when any subject is thoroughly inspected
It’s apparent to everything else it’s connected
“Whole” as in complete with unity
with everyone part of a community
When you know everyone is interconnected
Propaganda that says “hate,” is ineffective
“Whole” as in living with all of life’s beauty
Love, peace, truth, freedom: this may sound fruity
But there’s more to life than chasing after booty
Or chasing after grades or jobs with lots of cash
We could all be phoenixes, and rise from the ash
Soar past hate and oppression
Soar past fear and disconnection
This may all sound improbable
But just imagine, what is possible.